Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed