Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

Who does Amazon think I am?

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.