Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.