[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
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anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning