[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

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I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story


Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!


Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”


Just recorded the baby crying so I can play it back to him while he tries to sleep later to see how he likes it…


oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere


Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.


CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.


I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.


Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.


Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.