Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

Spider-cat: No One Home

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.