Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.