Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

Penguins walking in 5x speed

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.