Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

Every time my phone rings

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to