Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

back to work

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

This bar smells like my childhood.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

Still my favourite meme.

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS