Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate