[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
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Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.