Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

This anagram machine is out of order.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.