Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

there has never been a better use of this meme

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”