Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

accurate

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is