Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Britain be like

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

So that’s what we looked like?

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE