Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

🇺🇸🤭

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

synchronized noseblowing

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

huge if true: the moon