dark side of the loom
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Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
me linking you to my twitter
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
