dark side of the loom
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I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Safety first
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
