dark side of the loom
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🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Are you a cat person or a person person?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.