“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
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Cheer up.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
me doing my best
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts