Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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*names my little horse OneTrick*
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Um … Hot Wings please
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?