DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Food gives you energy to nap more.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.