DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
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I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!