DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
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Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*