DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Time heals everything 🙂
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being