Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

#dnd #ttrpg