Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

Best mom ever 😂

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”