Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
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Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?