Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

ㅤ

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs