Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*