Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

umm…

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

How tf did it end up there?

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.