Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”