Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

man i love columbo

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.