Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever