Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

I have written yet another poem about laundry

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

Should I call tech support or pray or what

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.