Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

Okey dokey.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous