Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun