Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT