Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one