Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This meeting could have been a cake

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?