Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.