Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

see next tweet for some translations

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

💀💀

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…