Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*![]()
You Might Also Like
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
![]()
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”