Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*![]()
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“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
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ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty