Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.