Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW