Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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Straight people are cancelled
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!