@ItsAndyRyan

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

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@TheBoydP

The hardest part of being a dog is not understanding why squirrels don’t want to play with you.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well

@the_kizzle

if you meet an american who knows anything about the metric system, you have met a drug user.

@clichedout

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

@goldengateblond

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

@daemonic3

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

@crushingbort

#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot

@KentWGraham

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

@sock_holliday

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

@WilliamAder

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!