The hardest part of being a dog is not understanding why squirrels don’t want to play with you.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well
if you meet an american who knows anything about the metric system, you have met a drug user.
me: will I go to jail in the future
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
She sells sea shells on the:
#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!