Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
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Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.