Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

hi why am I like this

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

Limited budget

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon