Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

And bowling should be called pinball