Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

I unironically love this joke.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.