Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening