Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

So sick of all these stupid rules

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

!!!!!!!!!!!

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

every olympics i turn into this guy

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

☺️

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.