Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

Them: You should try keto
Me:

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.