Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

this site is so cooked lol

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

What?

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.