Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
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Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*