[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
