[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
