Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

relationship goals

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

Think I pulled my liver

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

is this meant to deter me

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there