Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

No, you’re not getting it your honor

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe