Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.