Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

(Electricians.)

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed