Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy