Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us