Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.