Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
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Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Best spot.. 😅
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”