Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
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craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
The dark side of Canada
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.