Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have