Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
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I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?