Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

Breaking news:

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.