Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
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if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot