Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Twitter remains undefeated

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.