Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

“you recording!?”

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”