Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
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I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.