Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
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Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!