Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
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[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Some people were born into their job.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.