Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

I have never heard an armadillo before.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

no regrets

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?