Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

Sir!!

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

…..pretty much.

Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.