Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
You Might Also Like
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Running from your problems is cardio .
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
#FunnyLife Insects
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this