Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
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Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school